Wait a second…didn’t this guy just post this article about how you could drink Starbucks (Insert any overpriced coffee place in this spot if Starbucks doesn’t apply to you) every workday and still retire early. I’m sure you are all confused at this point. Well, luckily, I’m here to clarify it for you. That article was all a farce. I lured you in with the idea that you can still have your frivolous coffee and end your working career years, or even decades, early. Everything in that article still applies though. working from the top down regarding your spending will pay off multiples more than working from bottom up. But why not do both? Unmercilessly slash every overspent dollar and keep it for yourself. Now that you’re paying attention, I’ll reiterate the math from that article. Buying a $4 daily coffee is costing you over $1,000 a year! Invested, this money would accumulate to $16,200 in a decade. And that’s not counting the time committed, or the wear and tear on your car driving to and sitting at the Starbucks drive through. You gotta cut that shit out if you are wanting to say goodbye to the W-2 world anytime before 60.
And it’s not just the financial aspect of it. I want to break down the moments of your life lost here. Let’s assume that it takes you 2 minutes to divert from the quickest route to work and get in the drive through, and another 5 minutes in the drive through ordering and waiting on your coffee. 7 minutes a day sounds like nothing. 35 minutes a week x 52 weeks = 30 hours. So at this point you have spent $1,040 and 30 hours of your life in a single year. Also, keep in mind the stress of this whole thing. You’re rushed for work and you’re about to ram the idiots in front of you with your car because they aren’t going fast enough. You are about 200 mg of caffeine and 30 more seconds away from going on a killing spree and massacring every person at this hellhole. Just take a deep breath and think about all the jail time you would get for becoming an arsonist and turning this place into an inferno…and no, you can’t make it seem like an accident. Your time should be worth more to you than that, I know mine is.
Now we can turn a corner and discuss how its draining your wallet while filling up your clothes. First off, you aren’t buying a cup of coffee anymore at Starbucks, you are buying a coffee flavored dessert. Let’s say it’s warm out and you want to get a “Iced Caffe Vanilla Frappuccino” (it honestly pained me to type this) its a whopping 500 calories. Oh, now its cold out and you just have to have a warm drink. How about a “Salted Caramel Mocha”? Tack on another 500 calories. According to the Google machine, the average American woman is 5’4″ and 166 lbs. She needs 1,449 calories per day to maintain her weight. So, if she has three even meals per day, that coffee was more than her breakfast. If she gets her base rate of 1,449 calories per day + the coffee, she will gain 1 lb every week and a half. A total of 39 lbs in a year. This 166 lbs woman has just ballooned up to 205 lbs. on “coffee” alone. You remember that stress I was talking about earlier? Imagine how stressed you are at this point, you’re fat and broke! You’ve lost over $1k, 30 hours, and gained 39 pounds….in what world does this trade off make sense? Why in the hell are you still torturing yourself by going to this place?
I’m not here to only point out the problems though, I also come bearing a remedy. The solution to this problem that plagues most American’s: make your coffee at home. Or even better, do what I do, make your coffee at work. Not only is it free, but I’m “working” and it’s completely permissible. Let’s say, hypothetically, that you choose the more expensive of these options and you make your coffee at home. Amazon has a 48 oz jug of Folgers for $16.40. This bucket of ground coffee makes 380 cups!!! For the cost of 4 of your overpriced sugar laden coffees you could have a cup every day for a year and still have some left over. Sure, you have to buy the filters, which are a whopping 2.5¢ apiece. Combined, your cup o’ joe is setting you back less than 7¢. Which brings me to my next point. Drink your coffee black. Not only is it cheaper, but this simple step will transform it from a sugar laden drink destined to pack on the pounds into a cheap and effective fat burner. Studies have shown that a cup of black coffee can boost your metabolism by 11%. Ironically, every coffee snob that scoffed at the idea of drinking Folgers probably doesn’t even know what coffee tastes like anymore. Why are you buying expensive coffee just to overpower the flavors with sugar and creamer, again?
Ditch the useless status symbol of having a overpriced cup of coffee. I promise that no one cares whether your cup has a logo on it or not. Everyone is just falling prey to mindless consumption and the narcissism of showing off that you can afford to pay $6 for a 10¢ cup of “coffee” filled with sugar, milk, and caramel. Cut out the overpriced coffee and you can keep your money, your time, and your figure.